Call it the perils of modern dating, but nowadays you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t had a run-in with — as they say in Byron Baes — a “fuckboy.” Masters of disguise, the, ahem, Philanderus moderna seamlessly blend into the stream of potential daters, making them difficult to identify at first glance. 

Classifying this unique species is no easy feat — so much so that this dilemma is discussed at length in the Aussie docusoap. Leading lady and Gold Coast blow-in Sarah St. James grapples with this problem as the two Baes after her heart, Nathan Favro and Elias Chigros, de-bae-te the definition until they’re blue in the face. 

According to Nathan in Episode 3, the term is synonymous with a player: “someone with no depth [who is] literally just out there to go and fornicate.” It’s a definition that Elias later affirms in the series, saying that “the very essence of a fuckboy” is someone who plans their nights with one goal and one goal only: “sleeping with a girl.”

This elusive creature is as hard to pin down as the black-flanked rock wallaby, so we consulted an expert on this particular species. According to Sharon Draper, a dating and relationship expert, there are a few identifying features that make up the common Philanderus moderna. For starters, they’re often people who like to talk a big game but have little follow-through. “Whether it’s about their dating history, their sexual prowess, or even how much they like you, the talk is certainly there but you may notice the action doesn’t always follow,” she says. Dating also isn’t a high priority for these individuals, as they usually place emphasis on physical, rather than emotional connection. However, most importantly, this species thrives off lies and manipulation. As Draper explains, the Philanderus moderna “lie and hide, and worst of all, will make it feel like it’s your fault or beg you to forgive them until you do. They’ll treat you badly but keep you around.”

Paul A. Broben/Netflix

With those characteristics in mind, it may be easy enough to spot them in the wild, but a more chilling scenario comes to mind: What do you do when you realize that you’re the dreaded Philanderus moderna? What if you exhibit the very traits that define these walking red flags?

Draper says not to fear; acknowledging this is the first step in the right direction. “The less-than-flattering label may be hard to accept, but by acknowledging that you may embody at least some fuckboy-esque qualities, you’re already on the way to fixing your ways.”

Although it’s easy to act defensive when being called out for your behavior, Draper says it’s important to thank your friend (or partner) for speaking candidly with you about it. “Confronting someone like this can be just as hard as hearing the truth, so it’s important to acknowledge that,” she explains. (Maybe those Byron Baes venting sessions weren’t in vain after all.)

Check yourself when you’re falling into unhealthy patterns. Are you avoiding difficult conversations? Are you not reciprocating the effort your partner is putting in? Do you have a toxic relationship with casual sex? It’s important to understand why you lean toward these behaviors, which Draper attributes to attachment science. “Of the four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized), most fuckboys would fall into the category of anxious-avoidant,” she says. “There’s a protective exterior there that needs to be worked through before we can get to the more open and vulnerable interior.” 

Although these attachment styles are usually shaped by our upbringing, Draper explains they’re not set in stone. By identifying the deeper reasons why you act the way you do, it’s possible to reconfigure and correct your behavior. And while it’s easy to fall into the habit of lying and manipulation, it’s important to remember that authentic and meaningful relationships are built on a foundation of open communication and trust. In other words, a leopard might be able to change its spots after all.