In Episode 6 of Love Is Blind Season 2, we see a confrontation between partners who’ve already seen more than their fair share of drama. After a cringeworthy scene where glazier Kyle, an atheist, sits down with the family of devout Christian hairstylist Shaina for the first time, the couple is faced with a question: Is religion a relationship deal breaker?
But let’s back up first: Over the course of the first five episodes, we meet Shaina and Kyle in the pods, and it becomes clear that they’re at very different points in their courtship. Kyle, who feels confident that he has found his match, continues to pursue Shaina, unbeknownst to him that she’s pursuing Shayne (who’s also chatting up Natalie) on the side. With us so far? At first, Shaina is conflicted between her two suitors, until Kyle reveals that he shares extremely different religious values — ones that he won’t budge on — and she’s unsure there’s a future with him. But as Shayne’s relationship with Natalie intensifies, Shaina is pushed more and more towards Kyle and eventually accepts his proposal.
When Shaina does meet Kyle for the first time — after taking a shot of whiskey to calm her nerves — it becomes abundantly clear that they aren’t, perhaps, meant to be. A fateful meeting with Shaina’s family, where they stand very firm on their positions about Christianity and, um, “being an American” leads Shaina to unceremoniously dump Kyle. “I never thought at this day and age, that that’s the deal breaker,” Kyle replies, as his fiancé tearfully walks away from him.
Watching this will likely leave some viewers with pressing questions. Sure, many can attest to differing beliefs being a red flag or even deal breaker — and there’s no diminishing that — but the question remains: Does it have to be?
Interfaith relationships — where couples have different faiths — are very common in today’s dating landscape and throughout modern marriages. Susan Katz Miller, author of The Interfaith Family Journal, says that a relationship like Shaina and Kyle’s is actually one of the most common in interfaith relationships.
“A relationship or marriage between a Christian and a nonreligious person [is] actually the fastest growing demographic among interfaith marriages,” she tells Tudum. “Christianity is still the most common religion in the United States and the atheist/agnostic/secular/humanist demographic is growing very quickly, especially among young people.”
According to a 2015 study by the Pew Research Center, 49% of unmarried couples that live together don’t share the same religion. “So, that shows you, it's becoming very normal,” Miller says. “Portraying it as some kind of marginal decision or some kind of outlier status really doesn't hold true when you look at the statistics.”
However, when looking at couples that are dating versus couples that are married, the statistics are notably different. Miller says 7 out of 10 married people are coupled with someone who shares their religion whereas almost half of unmarried couples aren’t. Even so, the study says “a comparison of recent and older marriages shows that having a spouse of the same religion may be less important to many Americans today than it was decades ago.”
“Does that mean they're afraid to get married or does that mean they're already outside the social constraints [of] marriage?” Miller says. “And in [the current generation], 20% of U.S. adults were raised in interfaith homes. So, 1 in 5 of us grew up in an interfaith home.”
When it comes to those seemingly contrasting statistics between interfaith couples in married versus unmarried relationships, even Miller doesn’t really know what to make of the differing results.
In another Pew Research Center study from 2016, 47% of married adults said sharing the same religion as their spouse was “very important” for marital success. But, overall, it ranked fifth among criteria that people feel make a relationship last, with “having shared interests,” “a satisfying sexual relationship” and “sharing household chores” taking the top three. Only 27% said that their partner’s religious affiliation was actually “a very important factor in their choosing who to marry.”
Miller also posits from firsthand experience: She was raised Jewish by her Episcopalian mother and Jewish father, and her husband is Episcopalian as well. Together, she and her husband raised their children with both religions instead of just choosing one. Miller said that choosing to create a life with someone and have an interfaith family is an “inspired choice” that thrives when the couple chooses to “talk about the joy” of said relationship.
“It's important because there is still a lot of negative conversation in society about interfaith families,” she says. “That you shouldn't do it, that it's not very serious, that it will cause problems. Using a positive framework is important to remind yourself what inspired you to take this leap of faith.”
Before Kyle pops the question, the couple have a key conversation about religion with each other, and it seems Kyle, at least, is willing to take that leap. When the topic of evolution comes up, Shaina expounds on her creationist beliefs, saying she doesn’t believe in evolution “at all” and that “God is science.” Kyle, on the other hand, “just believe[s] science.” That groundbreaking (but not, at that point, deal-breaking) conversation includes talk of “brainwashing” and ends in an impasse. When Kyle proposes, their different values are the main talking point once again. Shaina is speechless when she sees the ring box, and asks Kyle why their differing beliefs don't scare him. Kyle says he doesn’t need someone who perfectly shares his beliefs. Shaina accepts the proposal, but in her testimonial expresses how nervous she is, considering their divergent beliefs and how she didn’t want to make the same mistake again after a previous engagement she called off.
Leah (who chooses to go by an alias for privacy reasons), a high school English teacher from South Africa, took a similar risk in trying to make an interfaith relationship work. Her Muslim faith is important to her, and she has always thought she’d eventually marry a fellow Muslim since that’s the cultural expectation.
“That was always something that was taught to us, or we were conditioned to think, first in my household and also in our community,” Leah says. “You don't really marry outside of our faith.”
Leah decided to buck tradition and has been dating her boyfriend, who is an atheist, for 10 months. They met at a wedding two years ago, and Leah reached out over a year later. They gained a strong bond through Zoom while living in two different countries at first, and that was able to carry over once Leah moved back to South Africa, where they both now live. However, her family disapproves of their relationship.
Leah’s experience with her family isn’t uncommon. During that fateful meet-the-parents moment, Shaina’s family becomes particularly cold with Kyle when he reveals he’s an atheist. “I know where my kids stand with their walk with God,” Shaina’s mother tells him. “I know where they’re going if they should die.”
Shaina admits that some interfaith couples can make it work, but that meeting was integral to her decision on where her relationship with Kyle would go. Her mother’s refusal to give her blessing cements Shaina’s resolve to end their engagement. She tells Kyle that she “need[s] a man who’s going to be able to spiritually lead” her. Miller points out that, if someone is interested in trying to pursue an interfaith relationship but is worried about this issue, there are a lot of things one can learn from a partner who isn’t of their faith, but you have to be open to it.
“By exploring your partner's religion,” she says, “you can come to a deeper understanding of what it is about your own religion that speaks to you.”
She adds that, if sharing the same religion is a must for a person in a relationship, then that’s a criteria you should have up front, for yourself and others. Leah agrees, especially “if faith is something you hold close” and it’s important to you to “uphold those values or practices” with your partner.
She points to a friend, who is Christian, as an example. Leah says her friend wants a husband with whom she can practice her faith. “And I think that's very cool,” she adds. “But you do need to know where you stand before you actually pursue different dynamics.”
Shaina and Kyle not facing their expectations around their faith and individual futures head-on from the jump was, as Leah puts it, a mistake.
“It's almost counterintuitive because a lot of people don't wanna scare potential love interests away by bringing things up that are important to them,” she says. “But that's very important if you value what you value. You do need to lay that down.”
So, is having a different religion than your significant other a deal breaker? It can be but doesn’t have to be, so long as the effort and communication is there, according to Miller. She believes that saying interfaith couples can’t ever make it is “very outdated language” and usually comes from “a place of fear.”
“People are afraid to give up things they were brought up with,” she says. “For some people there still is that sense of conflict, sense of loss, fear of change, fear of things being different. And you have to get through all of that if you wanna make it work.”
