Kirstie Alley once tweeted, “I just watched Welcome to Marwen...LOVED.” The actress had watched a film that most people completely missed and then recommended it to her network. In this new column, “Under The Radar,” we, the curators of the THNK1994 Museum, like Kirstie, will be digging through the archives with the hope of finding a new gem to add to your classic-film rotation. First up is Poseidon (2006), a powerful thriller that includes a live Fergie concert and serves as an allegory for survival. In this way, it’s the perfect movie to watch on New Year’s Eve. It’s a remake of The Poseidon Adventure (1972), which we have not seen. At first glance, this updated Poseidon is the story of Fergie and her fellow cruise passengers trying to escape a capsized ship, but the movie’s really about the inequity of survival. Hollywood rarely makes pictures of this heartbreaking nature on a scale this grand, that also take place on a cruise, anymore.

Now, this cast is star-studded. It includes the voice of The Home Depot, Goldie Hawn’s Life Partner, Matt Dillon’s brother Kevin, Meghan Markle’s friend who was also a Real World London cast member, A Murderous Rogue Wave (of water), Christine from The Phantom of the Opera, Stacy Ann Ferguson and Richard Dreyfuss as a gay architect who keeps killing people, just to name a few.

2006 was the year of the ensemble cast. We had The Departed, Bobby, The Holiday... But none seem to have quite as many people as Poseidon. The run time is a tight 99 minutes, so we meet everyone in the first 15. The characters have come together on this ill-fated cruise ship to bring in the new year. The characters have names, but they’re truly archetypes — as in all allegories. We learn that The Mayor (Kurt Russell) is the former mayor of New York City and father to The Daughter (Emmy Rossum), who is on board simply trying to have sex with The Fiancé (Mike Vogel), a character who wasn’t given a last name. The Gambler (Josh Lucas) is a professional cruise-ship gambler who’s flirting with The Mother (Jacinda Barrett), the young, sometimes British, matriarch to The Boy (Jimmy Bennett). She’s wearing an evening dress and seated at The Captain’s (Andre Braugher) table. The Waiter (Freddy Rodríguez) works on the ship and previously met The Lady (Mía Maestro) in a club. He’s keeping her in his room, but she’s constantly bored and wanders around. Dreyfuss is a rich, lovelorn architect and The Fool (Kevin Dillon) is drunk.

Fergie makes her appearance at the 8:02 mark as the incomparable Gloria. She sings “Bailamos,” and we get a second song from her, called “Won’t Let You Fall,” 10 minutes in. It’s about love withstanding the wind. The tail end of one last song that seems to be a cover of “Let’s Get Loud” can be heard at 12:48. At 15:17, we hear Gloria off screen singing “Auld Lang Syne.” At 17:30, we see her slip and slide across the ballroom floor as the wave hits. Her stunning death scene, where she embraces The Captain and they die together, is at 47:19. Watched in this way, the film’s about the untimely death of an emerging star in the arms of her lover, onboard an ill-fated cruise ship. This is just one of the powerful story arcs in Poseidon. There are at least seven more.

At 16 minutes, The Rogue Wave hits and the carnage begins. On cruise ships, the casino and the sports bar are generally the last to close down, at about 3 a.m. It’s just after midnight, so the banquet hall and the nightclub are still packed with people. It’s also New Year’s Eve, so the sexy lawlessness that’s unique to a cruise is in full effect. These revellers, who are all letting the most disgusting versions of themselves out, are about to face punishment from the god of the sea. Everyone in the nightclub who survives the ship’s capsizing is immediately electrocuted by water that’s been exposed to the ship’s wiring. Hundreds of crew members’ lungs are incinerated after inhaling burning air caused by flash fires. Those who don’t drown are crushed or fall to their deaths as the ship turns. There are bodies everywhere. The only survivors are groups of random people in the banquet hall, Fergie and, of course, everyone we have met so far. Up is down, and now The Mayor, The Gambler, The Waiter, The Mother, The Boy, The Architect, The Daughter, The Fiancé, The Fool and The Lady must escape.

This movie is rated PG-13, but this is very much a film for adult Fergie fans. The escape from the ship is gruesome in ways both literal and emotional. There is no rhyme or reason to who survives and who doesn’t. Survival includes not just facing the elements but the other humans as well. For example, while making their way through an upside down elevator shaft, The Architect is instructed by The Gambler to shake The Waiter, who is hanging on to his feet for survival, loose. With no hesitation, he kicks this man begging for his life off to a horrific death and then coolly befriends The Waiter’s friend The Lady, who has no idea of his crimes. The Road, which, similarly, is a story about survival, is like a more relaxing version of this movie.

As Fergie once sang, “Life goes on with or without you,” and that is the lesson our survivors learn as they’re slowly picked off one by one by the angry sea. They zipline between decks, swim beneath a pool of fire water and climb face to ass through an air shaft that’s quickly filling with water. The Fool dies when he’s crushed by an engine after reaching for his flask. The survivors must move forward. The Lady drowns when she gets caught on loose wiring, even though she previously saved everyone with a crucifix used to unscrew a vent. The survivors cannot mourn and must move forward. The Mayor sacrifices himself so that everyone else can escape through the propellers. The Daughter and the others must once again, move forward. Like contestants on Ellen’s Game of Games, these survivors will find no mercy and we will watch.

Juxtaposed with this brutality is the fact that this movie is gorgeous. In 2010, The Guinness Book of World Records said this film featured the most detailed CGI to date. Also, cruises are beautiful and fun experiences. Similar to the famous shot of the ship beginning its voyage in the Kathy Bates film Titanic, Poseidon opens with a 360-degree look at the entire ship in all its glory. Leading us through it is The Gambler as he goes on his daily run. He wears a coordinated tracksuit with a neatly tied scarf around his neck tucked into the jacket. Glamour. The passengers wear tuxedos and gowns. Dreyfuss has a single diamond stud in his ear. This movie looks and feels expensive.

The film cost $160 million and made $181.7 million. The profit was apparently all spent on promotion, so at the end of the day it did lose money but all icons do. Generally, Poseidon received terrible reviews. Joel Siegel of Good Morning America said, “‘Poseidon’ is an e-ticket Disney World ride with Fastpass. Ten minutes in, the wave hits, you're underwater, gasping for breath and fighting for your life.” Joe Morgenstern of the Wall Street Journal said, “boom boom boom and gurgle gurgle gurgle.” Perhaps that’s true, but it’s worth noting that The New Yorker loved it. David Denby wrote that the director Wolfgang Petersen “appears both to love water and to be intensely afraid of it.” 

For us, Poseidon is a brutal film about survival that should be studied like literature. It’s allegorical nature allows it to apply to any broader situation where you are trying to survive against all odds. Will you, like The Fool, get drunk and die? Will you follow The Architect’s way and swiftly destroy anyone standing between you and your survival? Perhaps you’ll sacrifice yourself for the greater good like The Mayor or simply open yourself up to help from others like The Gambler. Or maybe you’ll not have to worry about these issues because you smartly booked your vacation on Etheridge Island. As you enter 2022, ask yourself these moral questions while you consider the fate of each character. You might be better equipped to navigate whatever it is you’re going through. Either way, you are not alone, Fergie will be there.